You Are My Greatest Teachers…
(written in the fall of 2008… )
My children…
You all know how much I’ve been struggling of late. Some days I’m really clear and ok then others I’m sad or lost, angry or resentful, scared and alone. I’ve had to face my incredible “humanness” lately with all of you witnessing what I have believed to be incredible weakness. I’ve said to you all before that it’s important to witness a person whose fallen far, stumbled on themselves or seem to be in the midst of incredible failure… keep watching how they recover from the fall, instead of focusing on the trouble they are in. You all have seen this a few times in my life.
With most people, I simply don’t let them see me. You, on the other hand have had to be present with me, hold my hand, dry my tears and watch your beloved mother get reduced to a pile of ashes… this is what I think you’ve had to do.
I am not ignorant of how hard it has been for you at times, or how sick you may be of being the offspring of a woman who has repeatedly created incredible challenges in her life.
I love big and simply overwhelm others with myself. But, I’ve picked people to love who are unable to return that love the same way for the long haul. It’s hurt my heart, my ability to do that. It may have also hurt you. I have also tried so hard to fit into a world that doesn’t really get me. Based on that, I’ve tried to make money and be in the world with one foot in the divine and one foot in the practical. It’s failed me a little. Even with all the faith I have in how generously we are provided for by spirit, I haven’t yet shown you how to get out of the way and receive it… therefore bringing what you want directly into your reality.
Then, on the other hand… what’s also true is without actual “work” that produced a lot of money, I’ve managed to raise you all with most of what you needed and even wanted; a sweet home and really great food… so it does work in a strange way. It’s not normal and there are consequences to my methods that we are all now seeing, but I did manage to be there for all of you in many, many ways because of my faith.
I make every effort to be aware, responsible, respectful and consistent, but I don’t always. I’m like an erratic butterfly without the vibrant colors that they often possess. Beautiful to watch their flight and hard to follow the trajectory. So far, I’ve lost and rebuilt several pairs of wings and you have been my children through a few of those transitions.
I will not apologize for this, but I will acknowledge that I respect you all for your presence and patience within it. I realize that it may have been really difficult and tiresome.
You have been treated with incredible honesty by your mother. I’ve never sugar coated my experience or hid from you my feelings or fears. Some have said that this is not a good way to raise a family… I believe it’s the only way. How else are you going to manage your own lives and transformations without some example of how challenging it is to be a spirit within a human body and possessing a human ego? Ultimately, what’s the most important thing for any of us to do other than return to our sense of belonging and worthiness?
Most mornings I wake up very early and spend hours in my heart or my head, depending on those first few moments of conscious awareness. Some mornings I waken with the Goddess in my heart and I feel full and alive…. More mornings I waken with my pain in my head. I miss my old life on those mornings, miss my friend, feel terrible rejection and sorrow for all that has happened and it makes my day awful. I feel like a victim or powerless on those mornings… so I’ll drive a long way searching for peace, or stay in my room and pray a lot. One day last week I felt just peaceful. It lasted all day… and it was remarkable. That’s where I’m headed. I wanted you to know that I’m determined to make it there and pray that you all trust that I will. You 5 have given me much to be grateful for and a reason to keep believing in life and my soul’s path.
The only thing I’ve done so far that was totally in line with my truth, was be your mother. It’s the only thing I’ve done really well, too… (well, mostly). Each one of you impresses me with your uniqueness, your loving natures, your kind loving of each other, your commitment to being present to others and including people with compassion in your lives. You are, each one of you, people I want to be like when I grow up.
I admire you and respect you all for who you are… you are my greatest teachers.
This morning, I woke up clear and then my head got started… but I am seeing some movement and remained clear that I had a choice. This is something that I heard this morning, so I wanted to share it with you…. it’s description of the ego…
the ego (this is not worth defending)
i am what i have
i am what i do
i am what other people think of me
i am separate from you
i am better than you
i am separate from what’s missing in my life
None of this is true. What is true is that we are all connected and peace comes easily with remembering that.
I love you all… and this morning (like many mornings) it was all of your sweet selves that helped me come up out of my sadness and experience a little more hope. I saw your faces in my mind’s eye and knew that I had so much (much more than anyone I know) to be grateful for.
Blessed be my sweet ones…
mama