Starting Over
Over a year ago I found my self starting over. My partner had moved on to “greener pastures”, my house had to be sold because of the mess of the 
economy and my business all but disappeared. Within a four month period of my life, most of what I’d been working on and living … was gone.
Late spring of 2008 was traumatic, but the late summer and fall provided the fullness of the disaster that was once my life. As I looked around my little house in town, I found myself wondering, “How did this happen?!”
You’ve probably heard of the “law of attraction”. I was a person who actually helped people understand it, among other things. If that particular “law” is true (and I believe that it is), well… clearly, I didn’t know it well enough to teach it. It was abundantly clear that I wasn’t able to create a reality of perfection and wonder … so how could I help anyone else do it? …
Or so I thought, at the time.
When all that change happened so quickly, I had a total crisis of consciousness. For over 25 years I’d been helping people understand themselves and teaching principles of awareness to them. I had raised a large family and supplied them with “home base” as well. Finally, I had devoted over 10 years of my life to showing up powerfully to one individual and loving him. All my “reality” anchors were suddenly gone. I remember one day praying in a little shed in Hawaii (where I disappeared to when my partner left me) “Who am I to think I could help anyone else if my life was in such shambles?”
Since that time, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on the entirety my life. But an overarching result of all that change was deep and overwhelming humility. Humility and intense knowing… I KNOW that what I’m sensing is accurate, even if clients and students think I’m full of shit. I know what’s happening on a deeper, unconscious level for those who work with me. Being willing to express that is where the magic is… or the challenge.
Being clear about what our unique gifts are, can take some time and life experience. One thing I discovered during that difficult time was that, I had in fact, created the difficulties through my persistent and strong intent to “release all resistance”. That realization was the first step in understanding how I’d created the reality of so much change. I’d ASKED for it!
Before everything fell apart, my primary relationship had shifted from a deeply respectful, loving and trusting exchange to something much less. Because of some of my ideas about how to grow, I took responsibility for everything that was happening, instead of insisting on truth from my partner as well. He was wandering down a new road that was all about building up the ego and didn’t include me, but I couldn’t/wouldn’t see that… I just thought that I was being jealous and fearful.
When he finally left our exchange I was devastated, but in truth I saw it coming. Same with the house and the business… I just hadn’t fully accepted what was going on. With my prayer to release all resistance, I was forced to. The man, the work and the home… they all provided me with much less than what my soul had in mind.
I could have gone into depression, anger, resentment or any number of victim realities. Instead, I got down on my knees to ask for help. I didn’t even know who or what I was praying to… as even my faith was shattered. When I thought about how much I had loved and cared about so many other people for so many years it would trip me up a lot. I’d slip into feeling really victimized, angry and sorry for myself… My ego was having regular tantrums but I continued to let the negative feelings go and let my soul take the lead.
It took a lot of courage to disengage from everything and everyone I knew, be fully responsible and try to find my “true” self, but that’s what I did.
In the two significant love relationships I’d had, they’d both ended (painfully) and I was the common denominator. Lots of other people were enjoying great success in the same business I was in even though mine tanked… again I was at the center of that situation. Lots of people had managed their finances well enough to surf through the challenges we all faced, so again… I was in the middle of that mess as well.
No matter how I tried to blame others for my plight or side step responsibility, somehow I never really believed that all that was happening wasn’t meaningful or in line with my growth, it just hurt a lot. As the surrender continued, my awareness expanded. Where I once was unsure of how to share what I “heard”, I started being literally unable to keep quiet.
Shaking in my knees, I cleared out my house so I could rent it out when I”heard” to just put it on the market. Lawyers and accountants suggested going bankrupt, stop paying my bills and just live in my car until the dust settled. Instead, Source said to sell the house and gave me a very specific amount to sell it for.
My realtor, while admitting she thought I was a bit nuts, listed it for almost $100,000 over the current market value… and only did it because she said that if I’d raised such remarkable kids, I must know something! We put it on the market and she told me not to get my hopes up.
Three weeks after listing it a woman came through and offered the entire amount I was asking for IN CASH!! She didn’t even want to negotiate the price, only saying… “I just know I’m supposed to handle it this way.” (Her husband was NOT pleased, but went along with her decision). My realtor was completely amazed and said that in 30 years of being a realtor, she’d NEVER seen anything like that and obviously, take the deal!
Ten days later, I was moved out and living in my car… 10 years of life moved in 10 days.
Around the same time, a friend of mine had lost her assistant, her father and a dear friend to death – all within 6 weeks of each other. We talked about me helping her out for a bit. Her mental state was so shattered, she wasn’t able to do much work and things were piling up. Having already been her assistant years prior and because she knew she could trust me on all levels, I stepped in and started working just a week after all my available money was gone.
Finally, the day I had secured a new place to live and was driving back to town, I “heard” … “TURN RIGHT”, while traveling down the coast. The driveway to a special beach where my ex-partner and I had spent many hours enjoying our life together, was coming up on the right. This was not a place I ever intended to return to, but here I was being guided to do exactly that.
I turned right, but not without having a hearty argument with God about what they were asking me to do.
It had been months since I’d seen or talked to the man I’d lived with for so many years, but there he was… in the parking lot of the beach. He asked me he could talk with me. With tears and great sadness, he accounted for all the pain he’d put me and the kids through and admitted that he was not happy. All the reasons he’d given me for leaving were empty and he realized he’d made a mistake.
It wasn’t like I was jumping up and down in excitement… in fact I was trying to see how I could get away… But that day and the subsequent months after that meeting, he was persistent in his desire to heal our family and be a couple again. He returned to
being the man I’d loved… and then some.
Less than a year later, we had an incredible wedding ceremony with friends and family from all over in attendance.
The reason I’m sharing this “story” is to share the power of our souls. There is NO WAY I could have orchestrated such a remarkable turn around on so many levels. NO WAY! But Source did and seemingly without much effort.
The magic is not in what Source can do, but in our ability to allow it to be given. The magic is in receiving EVERYTHING you get and learning how to believe that it’s ALL in your best interest (and your creation). Everything is ultimately designed to get you clear enough to deliver your unique gifts to the world around you.
Many feel that apparent failure, having to start over or having difficulties are things that indicate that “something’s wrong”. While that can be true, sometimes it really means things are moving around, or seemingly “all messed up” so your life can become better, fuller and more remarkable.
The most important skill you can develop with changes that you encounter is developing a willingness to take responsibility for them. Then, trust what’s happening instead of thinking that it’s “punishment”, a measure of your spirituality or an indication of your intelligence…
In truth, it is more likely an indication of your powerful desire for growth.
People in your life may have negative opinions about you or your life. Chances are they’ll have suggestions and solutions to your problems. As you develop a strong relationship to your own soul, you will begin to hear what’s best for you from your inner wisdom, rejecting the well meaning advice. Although it’s hard to hear… I can guarantee that you will not have everyone’s support while you find your way. Starting a new life isn’t always that pretty, organized of graceful… but in time and with your developing faith it’s miraculous how things start to shift.
For myself it’s because of many difficulties that I have incredible compassion for everyone… in fact it’s BECAUSE of all the messy disasters I’ve experienced, that I am able to help others.
Like I said, humility seemed to be my first step. Once I realized we have no control… (other than in how to respond to things… ) my journey was no longer painful or scary. It remained intense, but inside of it I was authentically happy.
Being willing and having faith is all that was required… and it’s enough… and what I love most about serving Truth.
…. to find out more about Kyle click here. To set up an appointment click here…