Once Upon A Time
When my children were small, I spent a good deal of time telling them stories. Their little faces would light up with the possibility of a story session and it was always a soothing “end of the day” event. They would curl up next to me, snuggling close to my body with blankets and thumbs in place as they settled into the half hour or so where they got to imagine new places and hear about characters that didn’t live in their day to day life.
At those times, it didn’t seem to me that it was such a miraculous thing to do with them, but it was a sure fire way to get them to slow down for a bit. If you have children, you understand what I mean about the rough and tumble life they lead throughout the day. Getting kids settled down to sleep or changing the general mood was just a part of being their mother. Back then I didn’t see it as something all that amazing or even very defining, but I think I was a bit “off” on my assessment of the power those stories brought to their young lives… and how common it is to use stories to define what being human is.
Popular culture gives us story after story to chew on and many of them fairly upsetting ones… Storytelling includes all types of family and tribal gossip, religious and secular teaching, philosophy, prose, poetry, religious beliefs, myths, traditions, propaganda, scientific writings, speeches, news chronicles, periodicals, advertising, plays, movies, television stories, songs and even lying should be considered a story.
Still, the most interesting story we hear is the one we tell ourselves (and anyone who will listen) our story. The story of “who we be”.
These stories are silently (and constantly) whispered to us throughout the day. The content is so strong that the characters and events are no longer imaginary; they feel real. Most of the time the personal story we tell is not one of growth, but limitation.
There’s a woman I know who is always connecting with men who lie to her. She goes out on a date, finds that he’s a “good guy”, maybe sleeps with him a few times and then realizes that he’s been lying about things, or at the very least not telling her everything. Either he’s married, or is much less available than she was told. Maybe he becomes withdrawn, or he simply leaves out the back door sending a text message to say goodbye. She’s absolutely sure that all men are the same way, but because she really wants to have a companion she persists in the roller coaster ride and is constantly surprised with yet another love interest treats her with lies. This is one of the defining “stories” she tells herself that navigates many of her choices.
Then there’s a man I know who is absolutely sure that his wife left him for another man. Their marriage ended almost two decades ago, but he remains bitter and angry that she would do such a terrible thing. Because he is so sure that she betrayed him (even though she did no such thing), all through the years of his kid’s childhoods he didn’t help much. He gave the bare minimum of money to her to support their children and rarely had time to be with them as well. His story is so real to him that he has limited himself, withdrew from his children and made decisions about many things, based on his story.
We believe the story we tell ourselves about who we are and we think that they have merit and we allow them to define us. They define how we go out into the world and play out, without our conscious knowing, how to conduct our affairs completely.
Who would we be without that story?
Asking yourself this question is a very good idea. If you are honest, you will find that no matter how bad it’s been for you, no matter what you’ve encountered, these things are only things that you experienced… they are not you. Additionally they don’t have to be continually brought up to the surface to validate why you with hold love from others or stop trying to do things.
The “secret” to being happy is really quite simple… Simply let go of your idea of who you are and just be who you are… without the background noise about how other people will view you.
This is quite easy to write, say or expect… but another thing altogether to actually do. In fact, it may be the single most difficult thing you’ll ever endeavor. Who you are first must be “remembered”. Then you have to reprogram your thinking until your memory of who you really are is your reality…
In the many years of working with people during their most desperate times, this is consistent. No one comes to someone like me when all is well. Usually, all hell’s broken loose and they can’t figure out how they have what they have. They aren’t willing to continue living the way they’ve been living, but unclear about how to spring into the next place. Many people simply cycle back around into the story and keep living that out, hoping that somehow it will magically shift. Sometimes it does, but most of the time the next promising event turns out to be a variation on the theme…
When someone invests in their future by using therapy or deep soul defining work there will be a shift. Therapy is slower, but it’s effective… Soul work is much faster and actually much less painful. There is an understanding that my clients have that they are stuck in a miserable story about life so once the light of understanding gets shined on that, there’s movement. Somehow (and I don’t know what the apparatus is that works this magic, other than it moves through me to my clients) the bright awareness that comes through is so compelling that the story line becomes obsolete and unnecessary. The story fades and the memory of who you really are becomes very clear.
Holding onto that awareness is the next step. Sometimes it’s complete and the story fades away and new clarity becomes the guidance. In fact, the story sounds silly or even a bit stupid and is no longer told – either to self or to an audience. Courage is a natural component, but it’s not even courage that one needs… it’s the initiative to act from a new platform of awareness.
Without the clutter of agreements and history clouding the senses, action is certain. For others, once that big story stops being told a new one that’s a variation of it bubbles up to the surface. From my vantage point, it’s like the layers of an onion. Removing the crusty old skin opens the person up to another layer of “knowing” that also doesn’t serve. As the layers are cleared, new options present themselves.
It’s much faster and more productive than traditional therapy to work at the level of the soul… and your “story” becomes nothing more than an event, or a series of events that have no bearing on your choices; conscious or unconscious. What then occurs is your ability to retell the story you’ve lived without a relationship to it, other than it’s having happened.
Gather up a small child and tell them a story… but do your best to refrain from telling the limiting story about yourself to you or anyone else, for that matter. Just making a new determination to rewrite the story of your life from the place of being aware that you are a boundless being with potentials beyond what’s come before can be incredibly fun… which is why we are living. To have fun.
“Tell Me A Story” can become a lovely interlude that’s full of characters and events that excite you, rather than upset you… Try that on for size today.