When my children were small, I spent a good deal of time telling them stories. Their little faces would light up with the possibility of a story session and it was always a soothing “end of the day” event. They would curl up next to me, snuggling close to my body with blankets and thumbs in place as they settled into the half hour or so where they got to imagine new places and hear about characters that didn’t live in their day to day life.

At those times, it didn’t seem to me that it was such a miraculous thing to do with them, but it was a sure fire way to get them to slow down for a bit. If you have children, you understand what I mean about the rough and tumble life they lead throughout the day. Getting kids settled down to sleep or changing the general mood was just a part of being their mother. Back then I didn’t see it as something all that amazing or even very defining, but I think I was a bit “off” on my assessment of the power those stories brought to their young lives… and how common it is to use stories to define what being human is.

Popular culture gives us story after story to chew on and many of them fairly upsetting ones… Storytelling includes all types of family and tribal gossip, religious and secular teaching, philosophy, prose, poetry, religious beliefs, myths, traditions, propaganda, scientific writings, speeches, news chronicles, periodicals, advertising, plays, movies, television stories, songs and even lying should be considered a story.

Still, the most interesting story we hear is the one we tell ourselves (and anyone who will listen) our story. The story of “who we be”.

These stories are silently (and constantly) whispered to us throughout the day. The content is so strong that the characters and events are no longer imaginary; they feel real. Most of the time the personal story we tell is not one of growth, but limitation.

There’s a woman I know who is always connecting with men who lie to her. She goes out on a date, finds that he’s a “good guy”, maybe sleeps with him a few times and then realizes that he’s been lying about things, or at the very least not telling her everything. Either he’s married, or is much less available than she was told. Maybe he becomes withdrawn, or he simply leaves out the back door sending a text message to say goodbye. She’s absolutely sure that all men are the same way, but because she really wants to have a companion she persists in the roller coaster ride and is constantly surprised with yet another love interest treats her with lies. This is one of the defining “stories” she tells herself that navigates many of her choices.

Then there’s a man I know who is absolutely sure that his wife left him for another man. Their marriage ended almost two decades ago, but he remains bitter and angry that she would do such a terrible thing. Because he is so sure that she betrayed him (even though she did no such thing), all through the years of his kid’s childhoods he didn’t help much. He gave the bare minimum of money to her to support their children and rarely had time to be with them as well. His story is so real to him that he has limited himself, withdrew from his children and made decisions about many things, based on his story.

We believe the story we tell ourselves about who we are and we think that they have merit and we allow them to define us. They define how we go out into the world and play out, without our conscious knowing, how to conduct our affairs completely.

Who would we be without that story?

Asking yourself this question is a very good idea. If you are honest, you will find that no matter how bad it’s been for you, no matter what you’ve encountered, these things are only things that you experienced… they are not you. Additionally they don’t have to be continually brought up to the surface to validate why you with hold love from others or stop trying to do things.

The “secret” to being happy is really quite simple… Simply let go of your idea of who you are and just be who you are… without the background noise about how other people will view you.

This is quite easy to write, say or expect… but another thing altogether to actually do. In fact, it may be the single most difficult thing you’ll ever endeavor. Who you are first must be “remembered”. Then you have to reprogram your thinking until your memory of who you really are is your reality…

In the many years of working with people during their most desperate times, this is consistent. No one comes to someone like me when all is well. Usually, all hell’s broken loose and they can’t figure out how they have what they have. They aren’t willing to continue living the way they’ve been living, but unclear about how to spring into the next place. Many people simply cycle back around into the story and keep living that out, hoping that somehow it will magically shift. Sometimes it does, but most of the time the next promising event turns out to be a variation on the theme…

When someone invests in their future by using therapy or deep soul defining work there will be a shift. Therapy is slower, but it’s effective… Soul work is much faster and actually much less painful. There is an understanding that my clients have that they are stuck in a miserable story about life so once the light of understanding gets shined on that, there’s movement. Somehow (and I don’t know what the apparatus is that works this magic, other than it moves through me to my clients) the bright awareness that comes through is so compelling that the story line becomes obsolete and unnecessary. The story fades and the memory of who you really are becomes very clear.

Holding onto that awareness is the next step. Sometimes it’s complete and the story fades away and new clarity becomes the guidance. In fact, the story sounds silly or even a bit stupid and is no longer told – either to self or to an audience. Courage is a natural component, but it’s not even courage that one needs… it’s the initiative to act from a new platform of awareness.

Without the clutter of agreements and history clouding the senses, action is certain. For others, once that big story stops being told a new one that’s a variation of it bubbles up to the surface. From my vantage point, it’s like the layers of an onion. Removing the crusty old skin opens the person up to another layer of “knowing” that also doesn’t serve. As the layers are cleared, new options present themselves.

It’s much faster and more productive than traditional therapy to work at the level of the soul… and your “story” becomes nothing more than an event, or a series of events that have no bearing on your choices; conscious or unconscious. What then occurs is your ability to retell the story you’ve lived without a relationship to it, other than it’s having happened.

Gather up a small child and tell them a story… but do your best to refrain from telling the limiting story about yourself to you or anyone else, for that matter. Just making a new determination to rewrite the story of your life from the place of being aware that you are a boundless being with potentials beyond what’s come before can be incredibly fun… which is why we are living. To have fun.

“Tell Me A Story” can become a lovely interlude that’s full of characters and events that excite you, rather than upset you… Try that on for size today.

Generations of Love

The end of 2010 brought a lot for all of us… Now we are just past the spring equinox and a veritable shit storm has ensued. With all the terribly difficult things that the world is experiencing it’s not easy to feel like there’s much hope, but there is.

You being you… is the most natural thing to do, as well as the most productive. You may have thought you would have accomplished a lot more by now and are feeling particularly snarky about yourself, instead of happy.

In my own experience, for years I thought that having a new year’s resolution list was a good thing to do… but usually I couldn’t ever find the damn list at the end of the year to see if I’d accomplished anything I’d wanted to. Then I would think that maybe I’d noted it in my journal, but I often neglected to note what year that journal covered. Instead of lamenting not knowing what I may have intended to accomplish, I thought why not just see what I had been up to…

For you… and as a soothing exercise, spend a few moments considering what you’ve done in so far in this lifetime… not just the year. In these times, wouldn’t it feel good to do something that made you feel good about your life, or at the very least forgive yourself for being ridiculous at times?

Here’s my example…

• I’ve stayed up all night for many, many nights for reasons other than partying…
• I’ve spent hours of my life swimming back in forth in a swimming pool…
• I realized one day that everyone loves me, but sometimes they don’t realize it when I’m there…
• I’ve planted years of seeds in my garden, and eaten the fruit of those seeds a few months later…
• I nursed my kids for 13 years (straight)… and I don’t need a boob job…
• I’ve lost several friends but didn’t know why or what I’d done to lose them…
• I’ve had to study algebra 1 at least 5 times, but I still don’t really understand it or use it…
• I’ve been betrayed by a few very important people in my life …
• I’ve lived 18,615 days so far (give or take)
• I’ve changed thousands of diapers, and then washed them…
• I’ve kissed many, many little boo boos and made them “all better”…
• I’ve picked avocados from my tree and put them in a paper bag so they would ripen…
• I’ve watched the sun set all the way until the green flash happened… like 7,000 times
• I’ve made love to the same man for 14 years and still find it really delicious and perfect …
• I’ve danced on my toes, really ON MY TOES, until I found the drums which sent me into my hips…
• I’ve worn an LBD (little black dress) and felt really beautiful for several hours in it – a number of times…
• I’ve gained and lost 345 lbs in my life, so far… consciously (70 lbs/kid x 5)
• I’ve started writing five books and haven’t finished one of them yet…
• I’ve had my heart broken several times… the glue that put it back together was courage…
• I’ve given birth at home to my babies and always thought, “you idiot, this really hurts” each time labor began…
• I have a number of wrinkles on my face that I didn’t have there last year…
• I’ve left a marriage of 16 years 16 years ago…
• I didn’t enjoy the company people I was “supposed” to hang around with sometimes… so I left..
• I’ve been a vegan, a raw foody, a macro-biotic, a flexitarian, a vegetarian. I’ve dabbled in beef, dairy, turkey, bacon, chicken… I’ve done all that and I’ve lived to tell the tale…
• I went to four high schools and two colleges, but never got a degree…
• I’ve had a son, who I didn’t birth but got to love even after he wasn’t my son any more…
• I’ve learned to appreciate more than to be afraid ….
• I’ve been given the opportunity to raise 5 children, and they have been my very best teachers (when I listened to them)…
• I’ve shaved my armpits, and I haven’t (for years). Either way is fine…
• I’ve cried for other people’s pain as well as my own, with the same passion…
• Kodak commercials never made me cry…
• I’ve laughed so hard at the dinner table when someone farted… that I cried…
• (I’ve also laughed in my yoga class when someone farted, but somehow no one else thinks it’s as funny as I do in there)…
• I’ve lived on the east coast, the west coast and in the middle of the country. I still love the mountains better than anywhere else…
• I’ve been glad to be alive more than I haven’t…

It’s remarkable to me that I’m accomplishing so much and it doesn’t bother me that it’s not all that important to anyone else. In fact, it’s cool that it doesn’t have to change or save the world.

The world will take care of herself, my job is to appreciate myself… and show a really great example to anyone else whose interested…

In the meantime – (you know, before the world changes) - I’ll keep accomplishing my life and be me, while I appreciate anything that I possibly can.

Try doing this for yourself… its soothing and quite a lot of fun…

Here’s to your very best “right now”

Last night, our son’s dog (really he’s a Saluki, which could be considered something like a human with four legs) couldn’t make up his mind where to sleep. Due to Ty being in town picking up his sweetheart, Red started out in our bed, but couldn’t get settled. Did he miss his human or was he just restless? After a number of ins and outs of our bed, he just took over my side of the bed, relegating me to surrender to the couch.Even after Ty got home, Red insisted on being in our bed until I forcefully picked him up and delivered him to my son’s room… This was about 4 a.m. and I was in no mood for careful consideration of the Saluki’s feelings.

These are the kinds of things that can get people to choose to be upset. Frustrated that sleep was interrupted all night, blaming the son for being irresponsible with his critter, bummed out that my place in MY bed is so easily swiped by a dog… blah, blah, blah… but think about it. Haven’t you used something as (relatively minor) like what I’ve described here as a really good reason to go off into negativity?

We’ve all done it, at one time or another, and it’s acceptable. You “get” to be upset…

But … wonder if, you chose to be curious about what happens, instead of offended or upset? What would happen? Is it possible that you could have an “upsetting” experience and once the experience was over, you just smiled and wondered why that happened without all the “acceptable” negativity.

Waking up in your life means that you choose how you feel. You don’t let what happens to you or what other people say or do, decide for you how your going to respond. If you run everything through a filter of, “will this make or break me, this thing that just happened. And if it’s really serious, do I still have to be upset about it?”, how much better would your life become?

We are all aware of the devastating earthquake in Japan from March 11th (click on this to see ways you can help out and links for more information about the crisis). The consistent conversation between most of us centers around deep concern for human life and the freakish number of natural (and not so natural) disasters that have been visited upon us little humans. What’s going on? Why are all these things happening and who should we be in the face of them?

Without going into some apocalyptic negativity about it all… it seems that it takes TONS of intensity to wake us up. Nothing will ever shift in the human pantheon without the energy of strife to solicit it. Remember when we were all glued to the televisions during the 9/11 attacks? The initial response from most people was love. The people going down on the planes sent messages of love to their wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, etc. They were about to die and all they wanted to share was the feelings of love they had. No revenge, no anger, no blame… just love.

Within a few short days, the language then became hostile and blaming… Soon, our country started bombing another country and you know where that went. Still, our collective organic response was about love… as THAT IS WHO WE REALLY ARE.

The people in Japan are right now, at the epicenter of a huge (literal) shift and probably doing nothing more than trying to find their loved ones, a place to sleep, some water & some food… They may not have time to lament how hard it is to be in the disaster area that has become their life, so they are simply putting one foot in front of the other hoping there are some people in the world who will lend them all a hand. We’re all in this together, but most of the time we tend to focus on things that don’t serve us, or our collective experience.

Not even an entire day passed before the tsunami made it’s was to our little harbor here in Santa Cruz, CA. I thought “how can anyone actually believe that we aren’t connected??”. In a matter of only 10 hours, waves of water gushed into various harbors across the Pacific Ocean leaving a huge mess and a few deaths in it’s wake. (That’s something like 600 miles per hour!!!).

There simply is no way for me to entertain the idea that I’m not connected to everyone else and I KNOW that if I raise my voice or my hand in anger to another, the shock wave will be felt across oceans. It’s time more of us could remember that fact and be more peaceful.

As I look at some of the videos of what’s happening to the communities, families and individuals in Japan, I’m aware of how my own heart lurches with fear, while it fills with compassion for them. I want to help somehow… I feel them.

These are the ways that I feel I can help them, aside from tangible donations I can make with money or clothing…

• 1. Be 100% honest with everyone, even if it’s upsetting.
• 2. Focus on what’s good in the world, not what bugs me.
• 3. Being committed to being peaceful, no matter how challenging that may be… as peaceful as possible.

Few of us take the time to be thoughtful about the impact we make on our own lives with our choices. We’re amazingly adept at finding where and how to lay blame out to the world around us or other people. Maybe all we need is to take to heart what’s happening on this planet and recognize that each of us has a say in how all this ends up.

Ask yourself… “Am I wandering around being upset about things going on around me? Am I getting offended and righteously indignant regularly?”

If you are, is it serving you? Just for today,  take into account that all that’s happening is an indication of a larger picture of human consciousness and you can make a difference by being who you really are… Love, Kindness, Compassion, Tolerance, Constancy and Presence…

Blessings to you all!

Kyle

(written in the fall of 2008… )

My children…

You all know how much I’ve been struggling of late.  Some days I’m really clear and ok then others I’m sad or lost, angry or resentful, scared and alone.  I’ve had to face my incredible “humanness” lately with all of you witnessing what I have believed to be incredible weakness.  I’ve said to you all before that it’s important to witness a person whose fallen far, stumbled on themselves or seem to be in the midst of incredible failure… keep watching how they recover from the fall, instead of focusing on the trouble they are in.  You all have seen this a few times in my life.

With most people, I simply don’t let them see me.  You, on the other hand have had to be present with me, hold my hand, dry my tears and watch your beloved mother get reduced to a pile of ashes… this is what I think you’ve had to do.

I am not ignorant of how hard it has been for you at times, or how sick you may be of being the offspring of a woman who has repeatedly created incredible challenges in her life.

I love big and simply overwhelm others with myself.  But, I’ve picked people to love who are unable to return that love the same way for the long haul.  It’s hurt my heart, my ability to do that.  It may have also hurt you.  I have also tried so hard to fit into a world that doesn’t really get me.  Based on that, I’ve tried to make money and be in the world with one foot in the divine and one foot in the practical.  It’s failed me a little.  Even with all the faith I have in how generously we are provided for by spirit, I haven’t yet shown you how to get out of the way and receive it… therefore bringing what you want directly into your reality.

Then, on the other hand… what’s also true is without actual “work” that produced a lot of money, I’ve managed to raise you all with most of what you needed and even wanted; a sweet home and really great food… so it does work in a strange way.  It’s not normal and there are consequences to my methods that we are all now seeing, but I did manage to be there for all of you in many, many ways because of my faith.

I make every effort to be aware, responsible, respectful and consistent, but I don’t always.  I’m like an erratic butterfly without the vibrant colors that they often possess.  Beautiful to watch their flight and hard to follow the trajectory.  So far, I’ve lost and rebuilt several pairs of wings and you have been my children through a few of those transitions.

I will not apologize for this, but I will acknowledge that I respect you all for your presence and patience within it.  I realize that it may have been really difficult and tiresome.

You have been treated with incredible honesty by your mother.  I’ve never sugar coated my experience or hid from you my feelings or fears.  Some have said that this is not a good way to raise a family… I believe it’s the only way.  How else are you going to manage your own lives and transformations without some example of how challenging it is to be a spirit within a human body and possessing a human ego?  Ultimately, what’s the most important thing for any of us to do other than return to our sense of belonging and worthiness?

Most mornings I wake up very early and spend hours in my heart or my head, depending on those first few moments of conscious awareness.  Some mornings I waken with the Goddess in my heart and I feel full and alive….  More mornings I waken with my pain in my head.  I miss my old life on those mornings, miss my friend, feel terrible rejection and sorrow for all that has happened and it makes my day awful.  I feel like a victim or powerless on those mornings… so I’ll drive a long way searching for peace, or stay in my room and pray a lot.  One day last week I felt just peaceful.  It lasted all day… and it was remarkable.  That’s where I’m headed.  I wanted you to know that I’m determined to make it there and pray that you all trust that I will.  You 5 have given me much to be grateful for and a reason to keep believing in life and my soul’s path.

The only thing I’ve done so far that was totally in line with my truth, was be your mother.  It’s the only thing I’ve done really well, too… (well, mostly).  Each one of you impresses me with your uniqueness, your loving natures, your kind loving of each other, your commitment to being present to others and including people with compassion in your lives.  You are, each one of you, people I want to be like when I grow up.

I admire you and respect you all for who you are… you are my greatest teachers.

This morning, I woke up clear and then my head got started… but I am seeing some movement and remained clear that I had a choice.  This is something that I heard this morning, so I wanted to share it with you…. it’s description of the ego…

the ego (this is not worth defending)

i am what i have
i am what i do
i am what other people think of me
i am separate from you
i am better than you
i am separate from what’s missing in my life

None of this is true.  What is true is that we are all connected and peace comes easily with remembering that.

I love you all… and this morning (like many mornings) it was all of your sweet selves that helped me come up out of my sadness and experience a little more hope.  I saw your faces in my mind’s eye and knew that I had so much (much more than anyone I know) to be grateful for.

Blessed be my sweet ones…

mama

My oldest boy and his partner had a little girl the other day! Mama and child are healthy and strong… the little family is just falling in love now, settling into living as a family together…

Many people have been asking me how I feel being a grandmother, which has consistently thrown me off. I don’t know how to answer that question with any clarity… and I find myself searching for the right words to offer in response to the question.

To me, it’s a miracle for any child to be born including her. Our little girl is perfection in a body… there’s not one thing that she wants that an entire tribe of people wouldn’t rush in to give her. She merely lays on her mother’s belly or the bed, stretching into her body, gurgling and yawning… I’ve noticed that anyone in the room feels awe and overwhelming love bubble up from inside their body in response to her being. Without saying anything, we all just feel incredible love for her and she doesn’t “do” anything to solicit it, other than be.

Haven’t we all witnessed this miracle; the miracle of human life… repeatedly and for generations? Aren’t we all the very same in our response to it? In fact, I have yet to meet someone who isn’t hardwired to respond quickly to a baby, even if they aren’t squawking for something. Somehow they make us stop everything and breathe… effectively dropping us into RIGHT NOW … And what keeps our human existence alive and thriving is this compulsion to care for a small human without question.

As for my response to the question about how I feel being a grandmother… I feel the same as I did before. My own children woke me up when they were born, to something that has never paled. A complete and utter respect for the miracle we all are. Of course, this little girl will have more of my attention than other babies, but I feel as amazed at her arrival as I do for countless babies I see everytime I wander out in the world.

The miracle for today is YOU and that’s what she reminds me of! There are little babies being born every moment to remind us of our unique and remarkable divinity, but if we only project that out onto them and forget that we were once that little and vulnerable… we kind of miss the point of their presence.

Our children remind us of our right to breathe fully and completely as human beings with divine presence within us at the same time.

Our little package of purity certainly has grabbed my heartstrings and I’m overwhelmingly excited for my son and his beloved, but as for what it all means for me… She is a reminder of my own unique and remarkable divine nature that never needs or wants for anything, without it being delivered. Instead of my parents taking care of it, the Universe does.

She reminds me of that and being her grandmother does feel incredible. Just like my own children did for me… I am humbled at how loved I am, how loved we all are.

Enjoy these burgeoning light filled days… the season of love and compassion is always… but this time of year we’ve collectively agreed to shared joyous times together, while we exchange gifts and love. I hope you enjoy it and share it with all you encounter!

Sending big love out to you… and may you REMEMBER how precious you are today!

My husband and I are in Salt Lake visiting some of my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. He and I secured a lovely hotel room nearby, as my sister’s home is full to overflowing with babies, kids, grandmothers and greatgrandmothers… it’s full up.

Normally, we don’t watch any television nor do we have a large screen to view movies on… we just use a small computer to watch movies at home, so there’s this added addition of a huge television, front and center in our room. Last night, after returning from an incredible day of hanging out, eating and laughing together, my husband turned on the movie Avatar…

It’s a story that jumps out at me; a foreign planet with resources earthlings need to continue to live, that is taken over by said earthlings who use tremendous force to overcome “The People” of the planet Pandora. These people live in harmony with nature and listen to the whisperings of their ancestors by way of a tree that possesses a network connection to “all that is”.

How strange the truth of this movie is for someone like me! When I tap into things, I can see and sense the overarching connection we all have to all that is. Also, I perceive our bodies as the sacred mother “tree” so well depicted in this movie… It’s a lush and imaginative tale, peopled with a society governed by the females, supported by the males, committed to truth in every way.

REMARKABLE!

Do we actually think that there’s no connection to what we see in movies and the underbelly of our consciousness? Is there any way that all of us could miss the salient points so well exhibited in this story in our own lives, or perceive it only as the ramblings of a creative writer? Are the movies we watch and books we read just pulled out of someone’s imagination, or the direct influence of something much bigger than our small little selves possess?

No way… it’s all connected and it’s not a “story” so much as a possibility.

Being aware of other dimensions or planets is not so far fetched but can be seen as fantastic, for sure. Still, I was aware of the tears of recognition I had once the movie was over. As my husband drifted off to sleep I saw the healing circles that will be commonplace in our collective future, based on the imagery so generously offered by this movie. My mind was full of the fantastic imagery I generally see only in my mind’s eye, not in actuality and in blazing color right before me.

Wonder if we lived in a society that honored life above all else? Wonder if we lived in a time where relationships with other beings was commonplace and peaceful, instead of aggressive and grasping? Wonder if we were able to accept the richness of prayer as our first line of defense, not the last desperate resort?

These are just a few of the jewels this movie presented, but I imagine that much of it’s beauty (and importance) is lost on many. It’s simply an avenue for entertainment, nothing more.

Being immersed in my family’s lives; my sister and my mother, in particular, is many things. Mostly very wonderful, but there’s a slice of something bigger for me, too. Throughout most of my life, family has been important to me. Not only my children, but my sisters. Also, my mother had a great impact on me due to her determination and resiliency throughout the many heartbreaks and disappointments she lived through. What she showed me was love… she simply kept loving her daughters – no matter what.

Over the years, I have followed her example with my own children and it has been the secret of my success as a mother. Avatar had at its core, that same example… Love would always win out…even in the face of incredibly ominous odds.

Also, the power of numbers combined with the power of one. Many beings with the same intent have a much bigger impact on the success of an endeavor than just one or two. At the same time, the power of only one who KNOWS love and the presence of light is the absolute truth… and lives it… That one will overcome thousands of others  committed to fear and darkness, no matter how loud they yell or how big their guns and bombs are.

Throughout time, the most powerful element of survival has always been love… without love, our little bodies would never have progressed to where we are today… Pure Love, generated via our instincts; to protect our young, provide for our clans and love for the earth that supported us.

The fact that popular culture insists that we are being richly provided for through our military might and apparent political leaders is laughable, but we allow this to remain, because we’re scared of the consequences.

A revolution of spirit is the next step in our collective evolution… not conquering some far off planet or a little country in the middle east.

In the movie, Avatar, the protagonist is a crippled soldier who becomes a part of The People’s tribe by taking an avatar body; one that looks like the people he is infiltrating. Where the military arm (led by a character who embodies the totality of darkness and it’s methods) thought they were gaining an inside advantage against The People by planting a soldier in their midst. What actually occurs is his defection to their way of living and commitment to support them instead of betray them.

He becomes like them; fierce and gentle, simultaneously. He adheres to the perspective that “life” does not only live in human-like beings, but the rocks and the animals… the water and the planet itself… In his acceptance of the truth of love, he becomes a leader unlike any they’d seen in generations, effectively overcoming incredible odds against the small people of earth.

At the center of this story is the old story of love between two beings, but it’s a smoke screen for the larger love of the connection everyone shares and how it’s capable of destroying the core of darkness completely. With one single prayer to something greater; all that is, rushes in to support a life that’s being lived with integrity.

What a thrill to see that… and what a wonderful idea. We could use some of that in our own society, but here’s a start… it’s a fairy tale that I’d like to come true.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all…

Best laid plans… right!?

Last night my truck broke down on my way home from working in town…. shit, shit, shit…  I still had to pack, make dinner for my kid and do the mass of things left to do before leaving for a few days… You can imagine how weird it felt to be walking up a small mountain road in the dark with several bags of groceries and my purse in hand.

It was surreal….

Somehow I managed to make it the 1.5 miles home (you wouldn’t believe how many people drove by me! Maybe it’s totally normal to practically run a middle aged woman with grocery bags, walking in the dark on a lonely mountain road… who knows?).  The car was towed to the mechanic’s, I made some dinner, finished the laundry and packed… even cleaned up the kitchen… then slept a little.

Then I rushed through normal morning rituals; coffee, shower, feed cat… those things, but they all happened about 3:30 or 4 am. My flight was scheduled early, early… so being a creature of habit I did the usual things I do when I wake up …. and then drove to the airport.

As I was sitting on the plane, squished in with everyone else, I felt like small part of a pod of energy being gathered together for some other purpose than our individual reason to get on a plane… again, somewhat surreal. Everyone was quiet… expecting to leave any minute, when the stewardess announced that “we were out of balance”. That meant that people would have to get off the plane or it would never get off the ground!

They gave us the option for one of us to just volunteer to leave, or they’d just take the last few people who boarded…  Without my actually “thinking” about it, I noticed that my hand was up and everyone was clapping! How interesting, I was getting off the plane so the rest of the passengers could make it to the snowy mountains!

Now, I’m sitting on the floor of the airport waiting for the next flight… and I’m really THANK-ful for the opportunity I received to GIVE… Even though I’ve had a hell of a few hours, it seemed totally natural to release my seat to allow for balance for all the other people… that I was stable enough to do that.

My tendency is to see things metaphorically… So an “out of balance” situation (airplane/people), needs to find “balance” in order to “get off the ground”.  One being senses the value of allowing all to benefit by relaxing a personal agenda about when, where or how something occurs (arriving on time in a new place) balance returns and flight is achieved…

Seems like a really great way to start my own personal weekend of gratitude… Thanks means Giving…

Much love!

There are times when no matter what you do, it looks like you’re just being difficult to others.

But when your life is centered on serving truth, it means just that. You serve truth, not the social order or what other people want from you.

This is not easy. We all love to share with each other; times, love, food, fun… it’s part of being human, yet being a part of things may mean that you’d have to sacrifice what you know to be true… which takes you off your personal path of truth. Once you realize that you can’t live life any other way, you will find that you have bumps in relation to other people and you can’t avoid them.

A few months back, one of my clients who also happened to be very close friends with my daughter, had a serious falling out with her. It was very painful for my daughter, but she handled it the best way she knew how, deciding to disengage from her friend. In addition to the criticism towards my daughter, she told my daughter that I was also a problem for her. She felt that I was infected with darkness and was chasing her for money.

Having worked with her for months, I was shocked at first but then recalled that I warned her that things would be challenging and listening to her soul may not be all that easy. Her relationship with my daughter had always been wonderful and loving, truthful and expansive. Additionally, she knew me well enough to know that my energy field is in no way related to or inviting to darkness, so it’s impossible for me to take someone’s money without more than a fair exchange. What happened for her was deep and powerfully negative, effectively turning her away from not only me, but my daughter. (Frequencies have to match up. When they don’t there’s great discomfort and reaction for the lower frequencies beings… they literally run away from the light.)

Pretty intense for my girl, but as I said she just did her best to be civil and disengage from the relationship with very little drama. That process took weeks and it was hard for her; really heartbreaking, yet she’s never said anything cruel about her former friend and doesn’t talk to others about it. Given that this woman never contacted me, I also just let it be. Who am I to change someone’s mind, defend myself or try to get them to see something they don’t?

The only problem with all this is that we have a large family and many people within our extended family who are in this woman’s life as well. Because of this the only way to maintain my primary relationship with Source was to decline attending a recent gathering where she was intending to be. My not being there wasn’t because I was angry or resentful, but because my inner wisdom told me to stay away.

Being on the outside of things isn’t any easier for me than it is for other people. It can hurt. I’m human, after all. The difference is that I know of only one thing to do; look at how I may have been towards others and whether I contributed in any way to someone’s negative perspective about me. If I’m truly honest with myself I may see that I have contributed in some way, so that awareness gives me an opportunity to behave differently. It’s a good thing. On the other hand, I could recognize that I hadn’t contributed to the issue and have remained in integrity in all ways, but the negative feelings are true for them and must be respected.

Everything is an inside job. No one outside of my own sweet self can “make” me feel anything. I can choose to feel negatively and left out, or curious and interested in what’s coming. If I remain true and other people see that there’s no malice or positioning on my part, but clarity and respect for all involved, at some point the truth will win out. Either I will be guided to reconsider things, or others will… but it’s never because of words that anything shifts.

There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” aspect to all this… just truth. We believe there’s solidity to our world, but that’s an illusion. We’ve collectively agreed to perceive life at a similar level with one and other and we all tend to live life within those invisible boundaries. This is how order occurs; or so we think. As we collectively wake up to the truth, the boundaries will change. No longer will it be essential to fit in, but more valued to be honest.

Not the norm presently, but in time it will be.

When we listen to our inner wisdom we begin to realize that, consistently, Source guides us perfectly. Our work is to listen and do our best to follow that guidance. This example is no different, but it’s hard to do.

I want to be involved with people, just like everyone else. My unique ways of being are welcomed and acceptable to some, or they’re cause for criticism and rejection by others, but they aren’t lacking in truth… It’s just that the truth can be isolating if you’re offering it, painful if it’s being delivered to you.

When you serve truth you won’t fit into society’s norms, instead you will be a somewhat different and maybe a bit alone. That’s hard, but it’s not the end of things.

Generally, I’ve been a very busy woman for many, many years. Things like this give me a breather, I suppose, but not attending a lovely party has it’s downside. There would be people there I’d love to spend time with, share stories and catch up with. Additionally, the reason for the party was to celebrate a new child’s arrival, my grandchild, in fact… so it was really difficult for me to bow out, but I did anyway.

Maybe I was missed by some, or the subject of curious wondering by others … What I do and how I do it will be perceived in all kinds of way, but I know that no matter how upsetting it was in the moment for me – my faith in Source is so great that I am positive everyone involved was taken very good care of.

Being sleepless offered me great things… even though I was probably an insomniac because my system was overwhelmed with thoughts. The wee hours of the morning brought quiet and peace for my tender heart and so much love. Inside of my tenderness I found my faith. I could sense how loving Source is with us and how specifically, my following truth would be the best for all – including myself…

There will be other gatherings that I am free to attend… Although I didn’t show up for this last one, I did show up for what’s most important and learned something. 24 hours is not a long time. It was worth the challenge!

Bless you…

]]> http://windandwing.com/windwings/when-you-dont-show-up/feed/ 0 http://windandwing.com/windwings/looking-like-a-beauty-queen/ http://windandwing.com/windwings/looking-like-a-beauty-queen/#comments Wed, 17 Nov 2010 16:46:09 +0000 admin http://windandwing.com/?p=454

One of Source's Garden - Tamarack Flat

Early the other morning my lover and I got to talking… the sleepy morning warmth of our bed, our shared love for each other and life itself… the quiet murmurings of our small kitty as she curled around our feet a little closer… all this contributed to our gentle discussion about why some people had really challenging lives, while others didn’t.

A few years ago we went on a trip together to reconnect after a separation that had left us both shocked and shattered. For most of my life, I’d known that my wiring was different but I tried (with apparent success) to remain under the radar and live like everyone else. Whenever things got strange or intense in my life though, I’d always been able to muster up some kind of superhuman ability to transform things in the physical.

After the shock of my lover’s departure, a number of other vital things my life centered on were dismantled as well. The only response I seemed to be able to have to all this was to pray. For months I did that, ran along the beaches of Maui, wandered around a labyrinth in a sacred garden and disappeared in the green jungles for days at a time…  and I cried a lot.

The tears were not the kind of tears a woman cries because she’s been betrayed and is angry, but the soul wrenching tears that originate from the depths of a soul. After years of trying to hold everything together, I just stopped.

With the release of all the effort of trying to control everything, something shifted inside me… Although I didn’t know what had occurred at the time, eventually I realized that I had accepted who I really was; my true nature. The surrender gave me faith in something much greater than myself and a peace that I cannot describe.

We all have difficulties. Some are significant, some feel like a hangnail… yet they all contain an impetus for change in them. If you’ve lost things, there will be room for something different. If you’ve discovered things, you are more informed about who you are being. Regardless of the challenge you are facing, it’s always going to be about how you approach what you have that makes it valuable or simply another painful experience.

Sometimes I’ll take a look at the news, just to see what the world is focused on and it’s staggering how much time is spent (and money) talking about how messed up people are. Especially those who are famous. What’s fascinating is that we care.

What would happen if you simply focused on your own life a bit more? Would you be able to understand and even have compassion for others? For yourself?

The person who’s willing to go through all the changes, pain, difficulties & challenges with their eyes open who learns to TRUST that the Universe has their back. This is the person who will ultimately achieve amazing results in a practical sense and the person who is peaceful and joyful. This one knows where they are here… they are here to live and love more.

It’s curious who has a tough life and who doesn’t, but you aren’t faulty if you do have problems. In fact, there aren’t too many people who will open up to their true nature without a level of pain as impetus.

If you’re bumping along and things are fine, you aren’t looking deeply for an answer – and you aren’t compelled to grow, either. It’s because of the tough stuff that you get an opportunity to face something about yourself that was previously hidden from you.

It’s only when you’re conscious of something that you can change it, otherwise it’s like when you have food in your teeth. You’ll smile like a beauty queen at all kinds of people, until you see your smile in the mirror and gasp in horror at the dinner salad on display in your mouth.

If you are upset because of things in your life and keep bringing up what’s wrong, more difficulties will present themselves. If you are curious and trust that what’s happening is offering you a new platform to spring off of, things start to move.

Everything starts as energy. You are not less than others because you have problems AND you are not better or more spiritual if you don’t. Simply put, whatever life is offering you provides you with the energetic response to what you are focused on, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it.

I can’t stress this enough to my clients and students, mostly because the habits of thought that pervade our lives are SO powerful that we loop around, incessantly until we see what we’re doing and stop.

One woman recently said to me, “I know that I’m being ridiculous when, in the middle of the night, I am sleepless and worrying about things like whether I’ll have enough money or something, but I can’t seem to stop. Even though I KNOW it’s crazy to be focused that way, it seems like I have no choice.”

She does have a choice and it’s a process that can take some time, but she can change her methods and employ new strategies little by little.

Just like if you start a new exercise program, you won’t be able to lift 100 pounds over your head until you have some skill at doing it, in addition to a little faith that it’s possible. If you were to try to lift that much, it would hurt your body. It’s not much different at the spiritual level.

So you can simply start where you are, go to the next place and settle into that for a bit. Little by little you will have movement. When you stop and assess your progress, then lament that you haven’t made it to whatever your particular goal is it’s like getting caught in a eddy. You keep having the same experiences with different players, but it’s really the same story line.

When you stop believing the story about life and start living it – THAT’S when things will absolutely get a lot more peaceful for you. This doesn’t mean that you stop having challenges, it means that you approach them with truth, sincerity and deep faith that your experience will bring you to even greater abundance and joy.

Isaac Gutiérrez Pascual - photographer Spain

Truth is defined by the Merriman/Webster Dictionary as; sincerity in action, character. An utterance of a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality…

Are you feeling a bit like there’s something brewing… Are you feeling the difference in the quality of your life from before?

If so, you are progressing. There is great change afoot and none of us are immune to the changes. Still, some of us are really feeling those changes already, as opposed to remaining augured into our old patterns of living. Consider yourself fortunate if things have been intense because when the change of times hits mass consciousness – it’ll be big. You on the other hand, will be able to light the way for those who are just beginning to see that they can no longer remain asleep to themselves.

When you are following Truth there can be moments of pure insanity. All of a sudden it seems like your world has shrunk and you are not able to be involved with others the same way. You have to say or do things that actually appear to be unkind… even though from a bigger perspective they aren’t. Others will feel upset with you and do their very best to frighten you into submission. Smile and relax. You are not bad, or mean even… you are simply being 100% true. And that’s not a popular stance to take.

Recently one of my siblings shared some difficulties that she was experiencing via email… I had a really hard time reading it because it sounded so unlike who I know her to really be… but I could tell that she was upset and wanted sympathy, guidance, presence, prayers and some advice. Her email said she didn’t want any of that, other than prayers and her subtle request for our solidarity with her… that we had similar issues simply due to our family struggles…While I had compassion for what she was facing, I didn’t feel aligned to it all.

For me and after many years of witnessing her ups and downs I just felt sad for her that she wasn’t able to see how much she contributed to her difficulties through her determined focus on painful past incidents.

Initially I thought it best to simply not respond but I kept getting these nudges from the Universe to offer something about having faith and turning to Spirit for the help she wanted. In my response, I offered a perspective that was REALLY NOT popular. In fact, what I offered was seen as completely out of line. Even though I had yet another argument with Spirit about sending something that I knew would be misconstrued by most people, after a week I did what I was guided to do.

On a practical level, when someone shares a fear or worry and asks for prayers, its not necessarily an opportunity to get in that person’s face. More likely, we are encouraged to be soft and yielding while we offer “compassion”.  What I offered was very truthful and not cruel at all, but it wasn’t the “hearts and flowers” kind of compassion. It was the kind of compassion similar to when a mother snatches her child up who’s about to run into traffic and summarily spanks his butt. In essence she’s just saved the buggers life, but he’s screaming in outrage at the apparent cruelty she displayed towards him. Not only that, if someone nearby saw her spank her kid they could’ve seen that as an act of abuse instead of what it truly was. The viewer’s perspective would inform their ideas, not the truth of the event itself.

A cascade of anger was offered back to me, including one email that was pretty cruel. The messages were that I was being out of line, it was “cold”, that I kicked her when she was down and that I do that to too many people… That I should STOP being so mean. Then the calls started coming, asking that I just go along with things, “we’re family and should be nice to each other”.

From my perspective, I WAS being loving. In fact, I was being far more loving to her in offering her the truth instead of aligning with the age old perspective that she needed pity or companionship in her pain… and that would be “nice”.

Serving Truth is just that. What’s true…  isn’t a place or a destination at all. It’s a way of being absolute truth, no matter what. If things are really rough for you, the natural thing to do is lament and worry about it. The harder thing to do is ask what Source is bringing to you instead. In other words, to have faith.

Feeling like I’ve lost some of my sisters is a really hard pill to swallow, but I’d rather do that then blow smoke up any of their asses and say soothing things that aren’t truthful.  If my being so clear is offensive, but one day… sinks in…  it contributes to their long term joy. That kind of love is rare, but it’s what I feel for people… not just my family.

These are what the change of times will bring. Awareness.

We are not our bodies or our history. We are all incredible light within a physical body and a part of the Universe’s remarkable creation. Being that clear about who we are and what makes us valuable can only help us live more joyful lives. There is nothing that I’ve read or heard that is the “end all be all” of spiritual truth, but I’ve felt it. Repeatedly. Being clear and distinct is our soul’s path and when you choose to live your life from the center, there’s not one religion on the planet that can inform you more than your own inner wisdom. It’s your own personal, direct line to Spirit… and it’s accurate.

Still, my little girl (my ego)  will rear up and I can feel that I should defend my position, explaining to everyone what I meant. If I could only get them to see what I was up to, then they’d understand. She sounds like me when I was a little girl and wrote a fervent letter to President Nixon commanding him to stop the Vietnam War (It didn’t have the effect I was expecting).

Listening to my ego is like listening to a raging idiot sometimes. She’d have me be cruel right back, defend my reasoning, try to get everyone to agree with me… etc. etc. For me, she’s there and I listen to her, but I don’t act on her urgings… Most of us do listen to our ego most of the time. In fact, that’s why we have so much cruelty and fear in our culture.

Your soul knows that you need not defend or protect, only allow for your true nature to continue to be expressed. That nature can be strong in it’s delivery, but it is never cruel or unkind… Truth has no wiggle room, it doesn’t question integrity or have to navigate like the ego does… it’s not better than or beneath anything… it’s just pure love and that’s who you are at your core. That’s who I am, too.

This isn’t the first time I’ve upset others… it’s not the first time I’ve been rejected or completely misunderstood… but when I simply stand in truth, honestly listening to what others are telling me and making certain that I haven’t been driven by something other than truth. If I’ve reflected honestly on all that and I’m still clear that what I did, said or expressed was in the highest good… I find that I remain in love with everyone, trust that all is well and have no feelings of anger or resentment cluttering my mind.